


It Only Goes Up From Here

by thesassykels66



Category: Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: 2013 Dan - Freeform, Crying, Depression, Emotional, Night walk, Phan - Freeform, Time Travel AU, Wisdom, daniel and depression, from the future, future dan, future phil, future self to past self, older Phil, older dan, talks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 19:14:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12688506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesassykels66/pseuds/thesassykels66
Summary: If given the chance, it's easy to say that anyone would travel back in time to talk to their younger selves, especially in a hard time. But when that happens to Dan, he doesn't notice right away, but he knows that it's the only way that he'll truly get better when shown the life he can have.Or in short, future Dan speaks to 2013 Dan about his depression in a surreptitious way on how he will get better.





	It Only Goes Up From Here

**Author's Note:**

> **Mentions and descriptions of depression (there's no harm or suicidal mentions of any kind)

Dan always wandered when he felt pressure burn in his chest. A heaviness burrowing in his skull so thick that he couldn't see the daylight. He doesn't remember closing the front door to his flat, he didn't remember if he brought his keys, he was even surprised that he noticed there was a jacket around his shoulders walking into in the crisp evening. He had no specific destination he would wander to, most of the time he wandered just to wander. In hopes of getting lost and finding somewhere that was as insignificant as he was.

His shoes tread with the gravel, kicking pebbles from the pavement into the street that once met the soles of his feet. His fingers pet away a stray hair tickling the corners of his eye. He sighed, dragging out a breath that ached in his lungs. Light pooled against the puddles and swirled in the mist of the night. Orange glows of the street lamps, yellow beams from the cars that would drive passed, and lights drawing figures and silhouettes through drawn curtains and window panes.

Walking helped, any sort of distraction eased the dreariness that was his mind. Sitting at home did nothing but bury him deeper. The walls felt thin, clutching on to only metal beams that would slowly cave in each day, and soon the next crack and bump in the night would cause his downfall. He hated being stuck in the cage that was his home. Under the covers or forced around like strings on a puppet. Eyes always peering in as if he was on display. Days lingered on and grazed as if his body was set to auto pilot but his mind still tucked away in bed, waiting for the day to reset.

"Sounds like you might have depression" His doctor spoke the words coldly, as if they had been spat out a thousand times with the least amount of sincerity. Dan rolled his eyes and shook the statement from his brain. Words of the man in the white lab coat soaked through one ear and out the next. Dan didn't have time to be depressed. He couldn't afford to be depressed. He got up most days, did what he had to do, made his appearance in videos and on various social media sites, he even participated on live radio every week. This was something he could handle.

"I think you might have depression," Another doctor said, on a different note that wasn't intended on his visit. He listed his physical symptoms and yet the doctor still jotted down notes on his clipboard, adding more things to Dan's already set-in-stone plans that he had to deal with. He pushed away the mental note and stuck it out with his physical needs.

The three words he hated the most, though, were the ones always coming out of Phil's mouth: "Are you okay?" He always meant well, but it was something he couldn't understand. Dan didn't know how to explain the simplicity of reality to him, or how meaningless his life was. How nothing ever truly mattered, and in a blink of an eye their own beings on a simple planet would cease to exist. Everything was always fine, because that's all it ever was.

The sounds of the tunnel ways and the under belly of the streets turned muddled and grey like the mood that was always London. He distanced himself away from others and pinned himself up against the brick wall, waiting for a train to somewhere that wasn't this plane. He watched a mother grip her child by the wrist firmly, another woman all in red pick something out of her teeth with her pinkie-nail, and a man in a baseball cap with a giant wad of tobacco in his lip. Dan added himself into this narrative; a tall, lean, barely a twenty-something wearing all black and still sporting a 2006 MySpace haircut. Dark and dreary, the bags under his eyes that probably could be seen a mile away. If there was such as a sign laced in thread and draped around his neck labeled  _Depressed, Emo Freak, no life, drop out, quitter, failure,_ ** _gay_** _,_ he would probably be wearing it. A label in which everyone could see, dismantle, rename, and call him something he wasn't comfortable with. He knew that they all thought that way anyway.

Another sigh drew from his lips, his feet sliding their way onto the carriage that pulled into the station. He sits and sinks his head low. Feeling, just feeling a nothingness that was wading in panels in his mind. Swimming in fuzz and static. Even the overhead station voice seemed so quiet compared to the constant noise in between his ears.

Dan looked up from the floor stretching his neck. Trying to relieve even the tiniest bit of strain within his nerves that spread through his shoulders and held tight in his back and stomach. He slouched back in his seat and kept his fists balled in the pockets of his jacket. He noticed that the train car wasn't nearly as crowded as the station was. There was a man adjacent him. Dressed in dark trousers, a feathered grey knit sweater fit nice against his torso, a salmon colored scarf that was tied with a bit of effort, and a black fuzzy hat that had sides to cover his ears. Little tweaks of greying-brown hair peeked out from the sides. They held waves that probably danced across his hairline, Dan guessed. His skin was wrinkled and aged, but dotted with freckles and rose embedded in his cheekbones. The man made eye contact with Dan and smiled and he shied away immediately, making eyes with his own reflection on the glass of the train. Dan's eyes retreated back to the floor where they were safe from stranger's harm.

He studied the elder out of his peripheral, noticing that the man's legs were bouncing and his hands also in his pockets. Dan made eyes with him again. There was a familiarity to him, but he couldn't point it out to where he might know him from. He looked a bit like his grandad, but it wasn't. The man smiled again, wider this time. Suddenly, the man was hoisting himself up and standing, holding onto the safety rail above him. He was taller than expected. The train halts to a stop and passers by make their way off and on the carrier. The man now sitting in the empty space next to Dan. A rush of regret and fear swell in his gut and up into his throat.

Dan forced himself to ignore him, but yet felt a wisp of warmth that a kind smile made such a gentle man move seats to sit next to a dark and dreary emo kid with a greasy fringe. It made him nearly scoff.

"It's alright, I get that way around strangers too." The man spoke. Dan still refusing to acknowledge the effort the man made to make a point of sitting next to him. He chuckled, "Man, sometimes time doesn't change a god damn thing. Yknow?"

Dan silently nodded, rolling his eyes as he kept pushing the conversation away. It was obvious that the man wasn't going to give up, suddenly Dan wished he was back home.

"What was it this time?" The man stated with a sigh, making the effort to turn towards Dan. Dan furrowed his eyebrows and met his face. His eyes were brown and full of life, wrinkles written across his forehead and laugh lines deep by his eyes. He smiled again, "You're fleeing, trying to find an out. Something to make sense again. Now, what did it this time?" He asked again. Dan's mouth stuttered open.

"I don't understand what you're asking me..." He dragged out. The first time he spoke in literal hours.

He chuckled again, noticing that there were craters left in his cheeks when he smiled, "It's half nine on a Sunday's evening. The air is biting and the train is merely empty. Unless you have a purpose of going somewhere, there is no need to be out so late. Let alone by yourself. Now, what is it that you are fleeing from this time?" He asked again with more stern in his voice. Dan looked away, pinching the skin of his fingers to wake him from a bizarre reality.

"I-I don't know" He said, and meant it. The man next to him shifted in his seat.

"I remember those days. I still get them, from time to time. Of course, they're not nearly as bad as they once were. You'll understand."

They sat in silence for a moment. Listening to the screech and the holler of the train car gnawing its way through the railways. The lights were flickering and bodies were jostling in unison. Dan's fuzzy mind began to unwind when he realized where he was. A prick of panic struck his core as he realized he was out, alone, sitting next to a weird man that bugged the back of his mind that he knows him from somewhere. Dan tucked his feet in and sighed, knowing the trek home was going to be a self loathing journey.

"Well, I'm getting off at the next stop. And unless you have a destination to arrive to, I welcome you to join me. It seems like you could use a walking buddy for this evening." The elder said reaching for the safety bar and pulling himself up from the seat. He tiptoed his way to the door as Dan watched him. He peeked over his shoulder to notice Dan staring at him, confused and still slightly muddled in the mind. Feeling like he could be dreaming. The train pulls into a station he wasn't sure the whereabouts and watched the man disembark. It felt like the stop here was abnormally long, testing Dan's patience to see if he was going to follow or stay put and circle his way back home. A buzz ran through his skin and his shoes met the platform line and watched the doors of the carriage close and zoom away. He found the man and caught up to him slowly, keeping a distance and dragging his feet. "Good, I'm glad you'll be able to join me this evening." He said as they made their way up the stairs and were greeted by the bitter cold.

It was a side of London Dan was sure he had never been to before, frozen in time and kept alive by the pure soul of the people who lived there. They walked with the only sound being their feet crunching against leaves and cobblestone. Their breath swirling within the light of the overhead signage of bakeries and shops. Dan had a lot of questions running through his head, bubbles of thoughts that he couldn't force in words but an eagerness kept him in this space of time. He watched their reflections in the windows of the shops they passed, and the man was always looking forward.

"My name is James, just so you know. In case you think I might kidnap you or something else that is running through your mind at this moment." He swallowed and sucked in a breath, "You decided to journey with me this evening. And I intend on making it worth your while."

"I'm Dan." Dan muttered through his lips. He didn't feel the need to give the man his name, but something inside felt safe. James smiled again and looked down at their feet, noticing they were stepping in unison. 

He followed James to a cafe that looked like it used to be a speakeasy. Clambering down steps into a brightly lit room full of older people that looked to be enjoying themselves. Card games and unfinished maps of chess were across sporadic tables. Bells chimed as they entered the room and faces lit up as everyone recognized James straight off the bat. Dan felt very out of place in such a bright comforting setting.

They sit in the corner away from the others. "Diane my love can we get two Jasmines with a drop of honey please?" James ordered with a flick of his finger. The woman behind the counter happily obliges. Dan placed his hands on the table and interlocked his fingers, slightly trembling with the uncertainty. The waitress brings out two cups of tea on saucers, a small pitcher of milk and cream, and a small stand full of sweets. "I practically live here, I know every soul in this building." James bragged taking a sip of his tea. Dan does the same. It was sweet, warm, rushing down his body and pooling in his stomach. He lets go a comfortable sigh.

He watched the others that inhabit the tiny cafe; a pair of elderly women wearing the same hats were gossiping and loud smiles were stitched into their faces, a man on a computer typing away, a group of three who were easily four hands into a card game, extremely poise but there was a warmth being drawn from them. Dan took another sip of his tea while James stole a bite out of a biscuit.

"Those three over there are ones you'd never want to be caught in a game of poker with. Thomas, the one in the suede suit, he'll cheat and steal your own money you have stowed away in your back pocket. Pete will get obnoxiously drunk and still somehow win. And fucking Rupert over there will make sure you leave home without an inch of pride left in your soul." James spoke louder the more he was describing the men. They all turned their attention over to their table set in the corner.

"You say any more bullshit rubbish and I'll snatch the deed to your very own house!" Pete slurred, raising his middle finger. The rest of them men gulping in laughter. Dan wanted to shrink down to the size of his teaspoon and escape from this setting.

James laughed off the moment and drew his head in closer to Dan, "They wish they could even afford my house." He took another sip of his tea and ushered over to the ladies by the small window, "they are Betty and Dorothy. The most humbling women I think I've ever met. Can you believe that they'll be celebrating their 51st anniversary together this coming May? Been together since they were in nappies. Makes me very jealous."

Dan's eyebrows rose, realizing that he had never seen an older couple still so flirtatious, let alone both of them being women. He drew his attention back to James who was stroking his silver band upon his finger.

"My husband and I have been together for only 35 years. He still surprises me every day." A helpless smile crawled upon his face. Dan could feel his own eyes light up in a way he wasn't meaning to, "Yes, you heard me right. Known the poor bastard for 35 and been married for 27." He let go a wishful sigh, "He's the love of my life and the sun in my soul." He studies Dan's eyes, drawing deeper into the window of his soul like he was embedding himself into his memory, "I hope you realize that. One day, this person you look up to so much, a single human being can mean so much to you, that in the end nothing else matters but him, and his happiness and your happiness. It's a wonderful feeling."

Dan smiled, feeling a stab of butterflies coax their way through his chest as a face came to mind. A face he felt like he has disappointed more times then none. A face he hates to see angry or upset. Guilty or even anything else that isn't a happy smile with his tongue sticking out. A face he knew that he didn't deserve. They finished their tea in subtle stories that James laced together about the people in the shop and left their way back into the dark and cold.

"Tell me a story, Dan. Seems to me that I'm the only one speaking tonight. It's no fun speaking to a non-interactive audience." It was only the two of them on the pavement. Dan didn't know what to say.

"What do you want me to tell you?" He nervously laughed, bringing his shoulders closer to his ears.

"How about why you left your warm home this evening?"

He shrugged again, "I don't know. To think I guess?"

"To think about what?"

"Life? Myself? Anything else that isn't static, or pressure, or feeling like I'm constantly going to throw up."

James pondered to himself, enveloping a gush of wind to fit between them. Dan stayed silent as he could feel James glance at him, "If there was anywhere you'd want to be right now, no matter the time of year or who you were with, where would you go?"

"Anywhere. Any place where people didn't know our names, or our possessions, our life, our story. Anywhere where we could be rewritten. Where people don't give two flying shits about us."

James hummed and nodded, "What would you want to rewrite?"

"What?"

"You said you'd like to be rewritten. What part of your life do you wish to rewrite?"

Dan's mind immediately went to Phil, and felt selfish that it did. He didn't want Phil out of his life, actually it was the complete opposite. He wished that their safety net didn't feel so loose. He silently wished that he didn't feel like he lived in a fish bowl. He wished he didn't always have to keep his guard up, or monitor his words or actions. He felt as if he was constantly walking on spaced out needles, minding the pressure points before impaling himself. He snapped out of his thought train when James started to chuckle.

"I never noticed how much of a visual thinker you are." He said, returning back to his pace.

"Well, I don't think I'd want to rewrite everything. Just a few things. I love what we're able to do and actually find some profit in it. I like being able to push myself and look for new ideas and challenges but, sometimes I feel like that can be my downfall."

James hummed again, agreeing in what Dan was saying. He was surprised that he wasn't asking more questions about what his job actually was or who he was vaguely describing.

"Finding perfection in the smallest of details can sure be rewarding, but not allowing yourself to fail is something that can be costly."

"It's just," Dan sighed, "I know it makes me angry. I get so frustrated with myself when things don't go right. I hate how he has to see me get the way I do. Not only talking to myself but actually being aggressive about it. It probably scares him. And being aggressive towards other people too. I feel it's the only way for them to actually know their place, and for me to know mine." He jumbled out of his mouth so fast he was impressed that James kept up. Again, James hummed and nodded in agreement.

"Does he know you feel this way?"

Dan suddenly felt guilty, realizing this was some sort of therapy session. Leaking all this useless information to a man he had just met. He shook his head, "I mean he  _knows_ it's pretty obvious."

"Do you think it's his fault?"

"Do I think what is his fault?"

James shrugged, "The way you feel. The way you get angry and feel like you have to always be putting your best self forward. Is it for him? Or because of him?"

He stuttered, "Well, I like to impress him. But Phil doesn't force me to do things, I force myself to be better." His eyes widen as Phil's name tastes sweet across his lips. A blush rises to his cheeks realizing what kind of conversation he's having with a stranger. "I-I I don't know. There's this reputation I guess that I constantly feel out of place of being. I like to think Phil makes me better in ways that I should be. In ways that I should act or how I should talk. He rubs you the right way and makes probably the best impression. He can make friends instantly, and is just  _so_ goddamn funny that it hurts."

James is smiling now, wide and bright, "That's wonderful, Dan. Truly." His hand met his shoulder and gripped it firmly, jostling him through the spine, "Never lose that. Fight for it. Remember what is real and what's not. And that you both are in control of what happens to you." He spoke as if from experience. Dan's warm feeling suddenly dropped and a shiver ran through his skin.

"They just don't get it. We have to hide. We want to hide. And it drills into my mind. Which is so stupid. I don't even know how to describe it." His hands swimming through the air as he talks. A frustrated pull within his torso draws a brick into his chest, "It's like lying to your own mum about something trivial. Like she already knows the answer and yet you keep butchering it for your own sake." Dan kicked a pebble and scoffed thinking about his own family. A rush of cold fled into his body, "He doesn't know I left tonight." Dan said nearly at a whisper, "I don't ever really tell him when I leave."

"Do you choose not to tell him?"

"He just always assumes that, I don't know, maybe he thinks that I always leave and run whenever things are easily solvable. Sometimes I don't even notice I'm gone until I'm on the train or the bus." Dan swallowed, guilt flooding to his chest, "I come home thinking everything is fine again. He acts normal because he probably thinks he has to. The worst thing is when he searches for a fault in me. When he tries to be sympathetic. It's annoying but I know he means well."

"Hmm" James hummed.

"I'm sorry, this is a lot that. It's all ramble."

"Don't apologize for your feelings." He said simply, he ushered his hand and turned around the corner, "Come. I want to show you something." They were trailing down a neighborhood now, tall buildings with wide windows and rows of homes that housed many families. James lead them to a gated home with a car in front of a garage, he knocked twice on the door before opening. A chandelier greeted them above their heads as James welcomed Dan inside. A wooden staircase glued to the left wall and the lobby was open. Wood floors with matching rugs and colorful furniture, a grand piano set in the middle of a study surrounded by rich looking bookcases filled to the rim of memoirs. White walls and crown moulding danced above paintings and photographs and stories that Dan will probably never know.

"Hello?" Spoke a voice from the kitchen, "Did you pick up the bread like I asked you to?" His voice was sweet and endearing, trembling with a tongue that was aging just as he was. They were greeted to a modernized kitchen full of accessories that looked as if it was outputting for where they were in current time. Dan was left breathless as to how he was in such a beautiful home that didn't seem real.

"I told you I picked it up earlier today." James slid over and kissed the man whose work was focused over the sink. They both radiated with smiles, "I also picked up a straggler on the way home." Dan felt like a target as the man addressed him.

His forehead was wide, dotted with age spots and wrinkles up to his hairline that had more of a blonde tint rather than grey. His black rimmed glasses framed his face well, hiding behind were blue eyes that Dan could swear he had seen many times before. A punch twisted in his stomach realizing he was welcomed into a stranger's home. The man smiled down at Dan, bringing his hand to his cheek.

"My lord, look at you." His thumb caressing softly against his cheek. Blush started pooling in Dan's cheekbones.

"Careful Michael, don't scare the poor lad."

Michael's eyes shot across the room to a giggling James at the dining table, "Oh how formal of you!" He whipped his hand towel in James's direction, cracking out a laugh "You could of at least warned me about bringing home someone, I haven't put the kettle on!" He whined. Dan felt immensely out of place and incredibly awkward.

"I brought him here to show him something, he needs it love. You know he does." James said, causing them both to communicate with their eyes then back at Dan. If his brain could communicate with his feet, it would be telling them to run and flee this place, but something begged him to stay and play along with the old man's game. So he did. He followed James to a room full of bright colors and cases of memorabilia.

"We've gone everywhere. For work, travel, personal holidays, family holidays, making memories one by one. All because of a silly interest we had. Life can work miracles, really. I don't take any of my blessings for granted." He stated, running his hands over various books and photos, giggling aloud at some. Dan was lost for words, seeing how much the two seemed to have accomplished. Awards littered show cases and the mantelpiece, pictures and pictures of their family and their children, sunsets and beaches and private memories. Standing on stages, lights and silhouettes and glimpses of happy audiences. Envy spiked in Dan's spine, knowing that he'd probably never be as nearly as successful as James and Michael had been. "Let's sit Dan. Take it in, it's wonderful isn't it?"

They sit adjacent of each other again, sinking in plush chairs to be greeted by a bouncing dog licking Dan's chin and cheeks. He erupted in laughter.

"Sorry the old lady sure loves new company." Michael trembles taking her off Dan. He wipes the slobber off his face.

"It's okay, I enjoy dogs."

"Let's go love, let's go for a wee." Michael sang in a higher tone. James's smile never faded.

"A delight, isn't he? So precious he still makes my heart melt."

Dan smiled back as a reply. Feeling out of place yet again. "Why did you bring me here? Why have you been so nice to me? Is this like a game or a dream or something?"

"Why do you think I brought you here?" He cocked his head to the side.

Dan looked around, twiddling his thumbs in his lap, "To be honest, I think it's to make me jealous and hate myself more than I already do." He laughed. James's smile dropped.

"Dan," He shifted in his chair, "I want you to do something for me. A simple promise, really."

"Okay..."

"It's hard at first, but it gets easier. Life gets brighter. Incredibly so that it's breathtaking. Every moment you take in the brightness that you never knew existed. But that doesn't just magically happen."

Dan nervously laughed again, "alright,"

"Promise me that you'll start to communicate better. That you'll unwind your thoughts and you'll tell them to those you trust."

Dan fell back into his chair and folded his arms. Scoffing as he browsed the cases once more. "This  _is_  a therapy session."

"Dan,"

"No. Listen! Everyone gives me this sympathetic look whenever I have a bad day. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed to deal with their shit. Everyone thinks they know everything about me but they just, don't! It's frustrating. It's annoying. I hate having to wear this sign on my back where everyone thinks I'm sick. I'm not sick! I'm not depressed!" Dan screamed, too scared to make eyes back at James. His heart thumping in his chest. "I'm not  _depressed."_ he repeated.

They sat in silence. One minute, two minutes, five minutes tick by without a word addressed. Dan felt steam spewing from his ears and his heart eradicating in his chest. He didn't know why he was suddenly angry, who he was angry at, or why he was even there. But for some reason his feet refused to move. James cleared his throat.

"Years ago, when I was in my younger years, I told many,  _many_ people that I was feeling the way I felt. Some said it was brave or heroic, but I didn't see it like that. I didn't feel brave or heroic. I just felt as if it was time to share my own story. To help others retrieve their own. It was scary, putting off this story for so many months and even years that I thought it wasn't going to help anybody. But it did." Dan looked at him in disbelief. He shook his head and scoffed again.

"I don't know why I followed you tonight. This has been so bizarre. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Maybe I should be checked into an asylum" Dan chuckled, folding his arms and pacing the room. James stayed silent. Giving in to a fight he possibly couldn't win.

"What do you want out of life, Dan?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. What even is the meaning of life? What's the point?"

James mirrored his shrug, "You tell me, as it's different for everyone."

"It should be to find the things that make you the happiest. But what's the point in all of that if it never stays? Maybe sometimes I think that happiness is a false known truth and not everyone gets to live the way they want." His fingers pet small figurines and trophies upon the book shelves "Being stuck in hole and never getting out, in a dark realm, maybe sometimes happiness is never a valuable option." Pictures with wide smiles of James and Michael and their family hangs proudly above the fireplace, a sudden lump appears wedged in Dan's throat. A hand draws from behind him and pulls him to a source of warmth. He looks over to see Michael staring up at the photo.

"Everyone deserves happiness. Even in the smallest amounts. Though it's not easily found, it is there, you just got to find what it is that you're looking for. What it is that you wish to gain. What troubles you'd like to see disappear. Who matters most to you in your life." Dan could feel his words seep in one ear and out the other. Only catching a few bits and pieces. He makes eyes with Michael through his glasses. Seeing himself in the small reflection. "It's so hard not to tell you the things that are going to go  _right_ for you. I wish you could see it. But you must embrace that path on your own. But, you have to communicate and tell Phil how you're feeling. He deserves to know, he wants to know and how to help. He always has."

He pushed out of Michael's touch and wandered into the hallway. Pushing his hair from his face as reality was sinking its way into him again. He turned around to see both the elderly men in hands. Waiting as if  in a snap Dan would be smiling and cheerful. But he wasn't. It was possible that he was more frustrated and he didn't know why.

"I'm not," Dan started, losing the will to fight, "I don't want to be. I don't want this  _thing_ to stop me. But it's like nobody cares. I try so hard at doing my best, and it gets little to no recognition. It's not fair. And I feel like a kid again."

"It's not something that can be thought away. Making this effort, it's not easy, but look at--"

"James, I think it's about time we let Dan go home." Michael cut him off.

"What?" Heat rose to his face and his fists clenched. Dan's teeth were gritted shut.

"I wish I could tell you more. I wish we could sit for hours and tell you everything you'd love to hear. But we can't. You have to go home. But, Dan, life will get better. It  _will._ "

He rolled his eyes sheepishly. Giving in on the old man's wisdom and making his way to the door. Waving goodbye to Michael as he held their dog in his arms.

He blinked away the past few moments realizing it was nearly two am as they buckled into the car. "Holy shit it's so late."

"Indeed,"

"He's going to not care. He probably doesn't even know I left."

"Now you don't know that." James said turning corners and stopping at lights. He wasn't sure when Dan told him where he lived but it felt like James knew the area better than Dan did himself.

"I do. Every time I come home he always in bed reading, or watching tv. None of the lights are on. And he just asks me 'how was your walk?' Or 'are you hungry?' Like he doesn't even care or notice that I've been gone." He didn't give James a chance to speak before exploding, "it's stupid! Why do I want him to care? I just said that it bothers me when people hover. Even having him ask me if I'm okay bothers me! Why am I like this? Why is it that all I want to do is stay in bed and never leave? Forget my existence? Die off in a black state and have no one remember me?"

James said nothing but put a hand on Dan's knee as he parked the car outside his apartment.

"See, the lights aren't on." Dan said with a quivering lip. Looking up at the windows facing the street to see the lights behind the curtains not lit. He made eyes with James again, holding a sincere look within them.

"Things'll get better. They will.  I  _promise._ You're going to soar in ways you couldn't believe, Dan Howell. Believe me. Alright?" He swallowed as Dan felt like he could puke through all the sudden emotions he was feeling. "This thing that you feel can be helped and can be fixed with proper care. You have the love and the support. You are strong enough to fight and win your battles. This, right now, is your rock bottom. Take it. Accept it. Things only go up from here. Do you understand?"

Dan nodded, feeling his soul rose from his body and every one of his limbs twitch. "Thank you, I guess. For the time to spend with me tonight. I-uh, I think it was good for me. Even if I don't believe that yet."

James smiled as a tear dripped from his eye, "You will. Now go, and I wish you luck."

He watched as the car pulled away and a shiver ran through his bones. He rang the buzzer to be let into the flat and it unlocked within seconds. Floating up the stairs and to their door, he sees that none of the lights were left on and the door was unlocked. Stepping into the flat and kicking off his shoes he breathes a sigh. Sucking it back in to see the reflectionof the kitchen light left on the wall, and Phil sat at the top of the stairs. His head in his hands when he lifts it to see Dan before him.

"Oh my god! You're not dead." Phil exclaimed, his voice strained. His eyes holding dark shadows and stained pink with worry, "Do you know how long you were gone for? You left your phone on the sofa. Your keys are on the counter. I've been calling everyone we know. Dan, you were gone for five hours. I didn't think you were going to come back." His breathing was high pitched and his fingers were cold against Dan's skin.

Dan didn't say anything. He should've, but all the thoughts and the recent evening mushed together in his mind and made his knees feel weak. Reliving the night and taking in what has been said. Defining the feeling and giving in, realizing that his life could get better. He wanted it to. Gravitating into Phil's embrace he squeezed so tight that he could feel Phil's heartbeat through his sweatshirt. Phil's hand immediately finding Dan's back, rubbing in circles and feeling the breath on his neck. It wasn't long before Dan was soaking the hem of Phil's shirt with tears.

"I don't know how to help you. But I really want to. I need you to talk to me. Dan please." Phil cried, choking on the lump in his throat.

"I'm depressed." Dan sobbed. "I'm sick. I'm worthless."

Phil frowned, clutching tighter onto Dan and kissing his cheek. "We're gonna get through this. Alright? Together." Their weight pushed them against the wall and slid down to the floor. Phil still holding onto Dan as he buried himself in his arms. "I love you. So, so much. And I want you to remember that okay Dan?"

"Okay." He choked out. He felt Phil's chin rest on his head and wetness drip onto his scalp. He wasn't sure how long they stayed there crying in the middle of their hallway, but it was the only way it felt like a wall was being burned. Progress in the making. Feeling a connection they haven't had in months. Phil grabbed Dan's hand and laced their fingers together. Refusing to let go under any circumstances.

What easily could've been hours later, he was stood lengthily in Phil's bedroom. Watching him turn down the sheets and add an extra pillow to Dan's side. A random black object on the floor caught his attention, seeing the object before but never in Phil's possession. "When did you-" his sentence was cut off short realizing it was James's hat. His  _exact_ hat that he was wearing only hours earlier.

"I saw it and I liked it. Got it for you if you want it." He said, putting his hand on Dan's back. Dan smiled, tears staining his face reliving all the photos he saw. All the colors and the happy memories that seemed too good to be true. It made sense all at once.

Dan took Phil by the chin and locked their lips together in a way they haven't in weeks. Letting their tongues dance as one. Dan's uncontrolled sob broke their kiss as Phil's concerned eyes leaked into his only view. "I love it. And I love you. Thank you. For everything." He smiled, a true genuine wide smile that he didn't know could exist.

They held onto each other all night. Breathing in the sweet of the moment. Stitching the smile onto his face as he embedded the warmth into his chest. This was his happiness. This was what he was going to live for. And the glance of the happy ending he was fortunate to receive was truly something he would be glad to travel back in time and show his younger self. That all can get better, and that it truly will.


End file.
